Good Luck, Brave Readers...
It is hard to admit failure. In this age, with our curated Pinterest boards, our tailored Facebook history, our edited text messages, and our beautiful blog posts, it can be difficult to place our failures into the middle of all that cultured perfection. Surely, this is why I haven't blogged in a month, instead opting to rarely log into Twitter and shying away from all my regularly-scheduled cyber activity. And, while it would be easier to gloss over the gritty and become something of a Wizard of Oz character -- pay no attention to the man behind the curtain -- sometimes, you just have to admit your shortcomings, breathe a sigh of relief, and move on.
In this case, I failed the bar exam.
I called the board of bar examiners last month at 7am, was told I was "not successful," and went back to sleep. And then, instead of rallying, I sunk a little bit deeper into myself each day and mourned: mourned all my hard work, all my energy, all that money, all those daydreams of success, all that support, all my future plans, and the fact that I would have to do it again.
But, I printed out my re-application yesterday and realized that I needed to get over myself, because that's what needs to happen when life doesn't go "according to plan." This was, of course, an emotional and mental blow, but it is what it is. This may have been my first real instance of personal failure, but it is not the end of the world. Far worse things have happened and, sadly, far worse things will come in my life. This was and is only one thing: A TEST.
And, you know something? If you fail the bar, it will be terrible, but you will also learn some incredible things...
1. who your support system is: After the results came out, I turned into a total "Carrie after Big left her at the alter." You know when she goes to Mexico and just sleeps for like, 4 days and Samantha spoon-feeds her back to health? That was me. I laid in bed until Boyfriend came over with frosties and "sorry you failed the bar" flowers and then, we sat there in bed and ate frosties together. And, even though I felt so bad, I also felt so incredibly lucky. Lucky that he was there and wanted to take care of me. Lucky that my parents were so incredibly sweet and supportive and have been every day since. Lucky that friends texted and were concerned but also gave awesome pep talks. Basically, even though my heart was in pain, it was also telling me: shape up, girl. look how loved you are. And, it was awesome.
2. you are not a failure: The bar exam is not easy. Probably nobody really understands this unless you've taken the bar, but it is a legit mental marathon. And, once word gets out that you failed the bar, guess what? EVERYONE knows someone who failed the bar. These are smart, capable, intelligent people who failed the bar. Our current first lady failed. JFK failed. (for the love of GOD though, please stop telling this to people who fail the bar). HILLARY EFFING CLINTON failed her first time. It happens. You are still smart and lovely and many other wonderful things. You tried and maybe you have to try again, but failing the bar exam does not make you a failure.
3. life moves on: I wallowed. Oh my, did I wallow. It felt so easy to wallow because, for a while, I had to muster my energy to get happy. But, life moves on and time shouldn't be wasted wallowing over this test. There is sunshine to feel and people to hug and books to read and roads to drive and life to live. Some tremendous things happened after I failed the bar -- I had some job interviews! I went to Indianapolis with Boyfriend to see a barbershop choir! I worked at the coffee shop and spent time with my family and bought some new yoga pants! Kim and Kanye got engaged! (what?! gross.) LIFE WAS HAPPENING.
Oh, I've written a textbook. This was cathartic, but I need to close this somewhere.
I failed the bar. I'm moving on. And, I'm back to blogging and will better than ever.